How can I continue with this crazy fantasy when you feed on it and leave me hanging on thin air? How can I go through a wishful thinking when you let me dream and leave me lost in an abyss? How can I stay smiling on a happy thought when you start making me move my lips to smile and leave me sad all of a sudden? How can I go through this way when everything seems so pointless?
Is this a painful joke in this circumstantial life? Crazy, pointless piece of hope-foolishness shit...
...................................paalis na ang bus ...................................naka-impake ka na ba? ...................................paandar na ...................................handa ka na ba umalis? ...................................tumatawag pa ng ibang pasahero ...................................sasakay ka na ba? ...................................isasara na ang pinto ...................................paalam na..........................................
marami pang naiwan, marami pang gustong balikan, marami pang dapat ayusin, marami pang nabitin, marami pang pinaghihinayangan, marami pa; pero hanggang dito na lang. Kailangan nang gumalaw, panahon na para umandar at wag nang magpatumpik tumpik pa. Kung ayaw, ayaw. Kung gusto, gusto. Ganun lang ang buhay, oo o hindi lang. Ang alinlangan ay para sa mga taong walang balak na umasenso sa buhay...mga di alam kung anu ba talaga ang gusto. Tulad ng nasusulat na ito, wala naman talagang gustong iparating; kundi ang malaman nyo kung anu ba ang aking nasasaloobin.
...................................paalis na ang bus ...................................naka-impake ka na ba? ...................................paandar na ...................................handa ka na ba umalis? ...................................tumatawag pa ng ibang pasahero ...................................sasakay ka na ba? ...................................isasara na ang pinto ...................................paalam na..........................................
marami pang naiwan, marami pang gustong balikan, marami pang dapat ayusin, marami pang nabitin, marami pang pinaghihinayangan, marami pa; pero hanggang dito na lang. Kailangan nang gumalaw, panahon na para umandar at wag nang magpatumpik tumpik pa. Kung ayaw, ayaw. Kung gusto, gusto. Ganun lang ang buhay, oo o hindi lang. Ang alinlangan ay para sa mga taong walang balak na umasenso sa buhay...mga di alam kung anu ba talaga ang gusto. Tulad ng nasusulat na ito, wala naman talagang gustong iparating; kundi ang malaman nyo kung anu ba ang aking nasasaloobin.
...inhaling others' smoke, without the guts to learn for myself...
...drowning myself in margarita, countless pitchers aren't enough...
...feeling high with music, getting Bob Marley as my pill...
...hating myself for missing, but still looking up to a better next day...
...inhaling others' stress, drowning in others' worries, feeling high in others' genre, hating myself in others' own undoing...de-stressing to forget...using others' issues to put aside my own and totally pulling myself away from the world---de-stress
...After a stressful day in the office...a time when my brain has squeezed out all the nutrients I had taken...
I suddenly think of you...
...When I'm on my way home, waiting for the shuttle to be filled...a moment when I'm supposed to think back at how I faired and what I'd be doing when I get home...
I suddenly think of you...
...At times I sit down and get ready to eat dinner...I lose my appetite coz...
I suddenly think of you...
Hating every silence...wanting to ran away from a lonely, sweet memory while hanging on to sanity...
A love song sings... and all controls shutdown allowing tears to just flow out of me.
I'm missing you...but I don't want to. I love you but I can't have you and I'm not infatuated like what you're thinking, I'm pretty sure of that. Coz if I was, things would have been different... I know you don't want me the way that I want you but it's okay because I've already accepted that. I'm not asking anything, I'm just shouting out how I feel coz I can't hold on to this any longer without making you feel how I really feel, through words can I only do this and through hope can I only make you feel it.
I have climbed highest mountains I have run through the fields Only to be with you Only to be with you I have run I have crawled I have scaled these city walls These city walls Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I have kissed honey lips Felt the healing fingertips It burned like a fire This burning desire
I have spoke with the tongues of angels I have held the hand of a devil It was warm in the night I was cold as a stone
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
I believe in the Kingdom Come When all the colors will bleed into one Bleed into one Well, yes I'm still running
You broke the bonds And you loosened the chains Carried the cross Of all my shame all my shame You know I believe it
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for But I still haven't found what I'm looking for But I still haven't found what I'm looking for
[V1:] I can't get it back, but I don't want it back, I Realized that, He dont know how to act Never been a dumb girl No im not dense I Just had a slight lack Of common sense I was the good girl He was the bad man I’m thinking one guy He thinking me, May, Jane and Honey Yep he had plenty But love for me, he didnt have any
He was just starting to get into my heart But he was out drivin' with some girl in his car He was my night time, thought I was his star Guess I was wrong, but see I’m strong Won't take me long for me to move on
[Hook:] Please dont worry 'bout me im fine (Please dont worry 'bout me im fine) Only gonna play the fool one time (Only gonna play the fool one time) Trust me when I say That I'll be ok Go on, sir (Go on sir) Go on sir (Go on sir) Go on sir
[V2:] I can't get it back, but I don't want it back, i Realized that, He don't know how to act Tried to settle down and look what I get Thought it was my time, but I guess not yet He's at the bar getting drinks for many girls Im in the house, thinkingHe’s with his guy friends Trust not knowing, truly not knowing I look back now like, girl, I was open
He was just starting to get into my heart But he was out drivin' with some girl in his car He was my night time, thought I was his star Guess I was wrong, but see I’m strong Won't take me long for me to move on
[Hook:] Please dont worry 'bout me im fine (Please dont worry 'bout me im fine) Only gonna play the fool one time (Only gonna play the fool one time) Trust me when I say That i'll be ok Go on, sir (Go on sir) Go on sir (Go on sir) Go on sir
[Bridge] The mistake I made is clear (I never shoulda trust your forever) That's the reason you're not here (I know that I can do much better) Not a single salty tear Not a feeling in my chest Baby I'm feeling no stress I'm too fly to be depressed
Go on Sir Go on Sir Go on Sir Go on Sir
[Hook:] Please dont worry bout me im fine (Please dont worry bout me im fine) Only gonna play the fool one time (Only gonna play the fool one time) Trust me when I say That i'll be ok Go on Sir (Go on Sir)
I have recently read an inspiring story entitled, “Break-up Diaries” by Maya Calica and have recently gone into reminiscing how all my romantic relationships have gone. I can truly relate to every emotion the book brought out. Starting with my first boyfriend down to the dates I went with that worked and didn’t work out.
Having gone through all the states of psychosis and dementia, I have realized that some guys are absolutely the same. How else could I relate to the story if guys don’t give signals, statements, or even get themselves in situations very similar to what other guys are doing? I bet I’m not the only one who could relate.
Everyone has their own set of attitudes and personalities distinct to one another. But when it comes to romantic relationships, there is always a common thing on how guys get on with their “diskarte”.It always starts with a “Hi”, “Hello” “Oi” or whatever gesture that will make you notice him. If you still don’t see him there, he goes on with mind boggling statements that will make you curious. These guys are really crafty and wise with words. They can flatter you or technically insult you for not noticing them. And you, not wanting to be insulted, answer to their catchy presentation and is now caught being studied by the boys.Whether you’re a “flirty” girl, a “manang” girl or a “play-hard-to-get” girl, these guys would surely adapt to your personality just so that they could get your attention. If you are easily taken by these, the game is on, if not the guy either gives up or cooks up another scheme to get you thinking about him.
To some guys it is effortless to be noticed, basically because of their physical features or what you call their “arrive”. Even the simplest “look” or “bump” could get you easily hooked on this kind of guy. You stare, he stares back, you think all the more and he gets you into his “mind-game”. It seems pretty plain but effective.
I can only discuss to you how these guys go through the process in the beginning. When it comes to how they really deal with each of their girls, you have to figure it out coz it’s a battle field.It’s like a chess game where you move and he moves. Not until one of you scores and shouts, “Checkmate!” the game goes on.But whatever situation they are in or they are getting themselves into; they will surely have a generic style used by other guys. So you have to be observant and study their ways as well.Psych books are helpful but wouldn’t it be easier if guys come with manuals?
Turning 24 for me is like turning around. You’re neither old nor young; a lot of people say that 24 is the new 26 so that makes me more mature. But come to think of it, 24 is just 24, it’s 2-3 years away from the typical marrying age of 26 or 27. Many things could happen in a year, what more in 2-3 year’s time.
I don’t see anything different with how my age has grown unlike when I was 16, 18, and 21. Sweet sixteen wasn’t sweet at all, I was still too naïve for anything but I knew I had to act more mature than before. Debut on 18 was plain coz I decided to cash it out but I sure bought myself pretty cool stuff, and coming-of-age 21 was just a “beers’capade” but I learned of my strong conviction never to smoke.Looking back on those ages, I see my growth and have realized that I did the right things. I am where I am right now because of the decisions I made and the actions I did to get here.I took everything simple and gone through life like a breeze. I had my own obstacles and dealt with them with ease.
Now that leaves me with where am I now. I believe I’m standing still, bruised and a bit battered with how my current year went but am hopeful with how the coming New Year will be. If you ask me of my 2007, all I can say is that, it was a turn around; probably an upside down turn. It was a test of wits and sanity. If I weren’t they way I am, I probably would have given up on life and would have been one whose name could be found in the obituaries of the daily newspaper. I went through a déjà vu and was able to get back in one piece.I currently found myself where I was 10 months back this year, when I broke up with my boyfriend coz of a complicated mind-set and is on my way to looking for myself.The only difference with now is that I know myself and is making a move to stay myself.And the funny thing is that, I’m dating the boyfriend I broke up with at that time. It’s like being Neo of Matrix 1 telling Trinity about how everything in that scene looked like a déjà vu.
I am not sure of my future. All the more I am not sure of my love life. But I am willing to take it one day at a time to know how my future will be through the situations and the actions I will be doing to get to where I should be and wants to be in.
I'm back at the playing field again and it seems I keep batting at the wrong pitcher. Funny, coz I used to be on top of the game and lately I've been going under. I keep forgetting myself in the music that I feel like Eminem singing, "Lose Yourself", shouting and cussing at everyone. I guess I really didn't know how to play. I realized this after a night-out with Tina and her officemates. There I learned how much I've missed and changed in 2 years. Probably coz I got enclosed in the lifestyle I was used to. My innate personality of communicating to the outside world contained itself by using the net. I met people, I talked to people..got a lil personal and went back to square one over and over again. It's sickening...I told myself that I should go out more often. I shouldn't be facing the computer...I should be personally dealing with these people; knowing them in the flesh and not their alternate worlds hidden in their computer profiles. By experience I can now say, there are many pretentious people in the world...and I am truly not one of them. I pity those with little minds who pose as giant individuals in their made-up realities. They live in a world of make-believe and fantasy that they seem like freaks to the "real" world. I don't want to be part of that so-called euphoria where people understand each other through their own computer language. Its like learning how to speak again but this time using flirtatious gestures and ass-wiping comments, creative shots or most often top-view pictures of the greatest angles of a monster and the relentless "pretend-care" that each is equipped with for someone who could be somebody for them. Everyone there, is a beautiful stranger and everyone has to be at their best...pretentious bitches and perverted ass-holes. Fuck them all...bwahahahahaha...(im going crazy for falling in love, out of love, in love and out of love over and over again...there really is something wrong with me)..So right now..Its just me, myself and I again and no more computer life...computers are for storing memories, making reports and work not for making memories...I certainly learned my lesson the hardest way possible...
"Nakaka-psycho pala ang stress!" I haven't slept well for almost a week now because of homework and I have noticed so many crazy things happening to me. One time, I fought with a frat guy and called him a bitch unexpectedly. I don't really know him that well and what his intentions were when he pissed me off with a very honest question (di na ako natakot na baka "hunting-in" ako...) Another time I went to the mall to run an errand. I needed to pee, so I went to the public ladies room and guess what the fuck, I did. I took pictures of myself in the cubicle. Don't fret, I didn't take naughty photos; only photos of myself looking stoned (as I always do). I suddenly realized it's dangerous to leave me alone when I'm stressed. I could do things no one would think of...well probably stoned people would. I was able to chat with an addict and we really had a great conversation. He thought I was stoned just like him...well I only look stoned but I'm not (nakaka-loko kasi ang pagmumukha ko). Not once in my life have I tried to abuse drugs; I don't even smoke, I practice clean-living (clean-living pero "tanggera"). I suddenly have a knack for old rock songs, the types played even before I was born. Ramones, Kiss, Heart and many other rock bands keep me sane in the office. Probably that was my only escape to release the tension on my head. So for all of you, workaholics out there, watch out. Observe yourselves and be careful. As for me, I will go out with people who know me and will constantly meditate so as to preserve my sanity and my youth (so help me God).
After crying my lungs out, I held on tight to my hankie and closed my eyes going through a flash back. The time we first talked, the day we first met and all the other firsts we've had. It happened just a few months ago when he came into my life unexpectedly. He was looking and I wasn't. I thought I knew him, and he got to know me. We got to know each other more until we became we for 4 months. In that span of time, we knew we were soul mates. It was the deepest most intimate relationship we've ever had. The relationship literally turned my world upside down and made me walk on hand-stand. I closed my eyes to all the negativity and embraced everything that he is and he will be with me. I paid the bills, I spent for us both and I became his mother, his daughter, his wife, his sister and his friend. I live in Marikina and he stays in Cavite. The traveling cost me...time, effort, frustration, pain and later on joy and contentment. Ironic as it seems, I just kept thinking of "having" him with me instead of really experiencing the hardship to be "with" him. I go through all the states of emotion everytime we meet that sometimes I feel I'm turning insane just going through it all. But all good things don't last. Especially this feeling...I realized I can't go on being "Emily Rose" everytime we go out. I can't be "Tweety Bird" beside him when in truth I'm "Tasmanian Devil" frustrated and angry at him. I can't sing "Babyface's love songs" when before I even get to him I'm already "Kittie" growling "Brackish". In short, I can't go on with the relationship. A month after the break up...after all the drama, the set-backs, the hang-ups and the frustrated meetings we keep arranging, he tells me he's getting married. Should I be happy? Shit. I wish to curse the day I even met him. But that's useless now and all there is to do is.....?
Sometimes, when we least expect it someone comes knocking through our door and if we're caught off guard we might even entertain this person. We offer them drinks, numerous great conversations and quality time for a new friend...or so we thought that was just that. What we don't know is, our hospitality and our curiosity with the person would lead us to something more profound, more concrete and probably something sweeter than usual. We share a lot of laughs thinking everything is fine and dandy...but secretly hoping something more would come. We continue doing what we thought is normal then suddenly we realize that something is amiss. By nature, we investigate, ask questions, act different and later realize that, that person we cared for in a short span of time has nothing to offer but a smile. Frustrating, isn't it?
In finding a right mate, one must go through trial and error. Its a risk everyone has to take to find true happiness and contentment. It like staying with someone you know you love but is considering options you know you want. How would one know if the person he or she is dating is the one person for her/him? There is no other way but to indulge in the relationship and get to know each other. Each one has to put some emotional investment and to work on it until one or both parties agree that staying together is not worth it. But what if a dilemma such as being with the right person but having the wrong circumstances happening to both of you comes. You don't know if it is just you or is fate telling you that you're not a match. Or imagine being with a great guy or girl but you're still not ready to commit in a serious relationship; isn't that all the more frustrating. Trial and error in love life is truly frustrating, tiring and emotionally nerve-racking. It will confuse you, hurt you and make you wise all in the same time. Just like how life really is, its a never-ending learning experience and a study where graduation is when you lay down in the ground or be cremated. Here we continually grow and learn new things about the partner we chose and even when we reach our old age, we still have to adjust and stay with them. There is no other way in dealing with it especially when one has really been struck by true love.
In my previous post, I have talked about a man who professed his love as he looks out for another. Well...I take it all back. I swallowed my pride and listened to this man's story. I was mistaken. I thought he was just some one-minute man. I thought he was in it for the game. I was so wrong. He was in it for my heart. I got to know this man and well, I'm dating him already. For months now, I have learned a lot about him and how we two are a good pair. Who would have thought that we could have met when we were kid because having the same hangout spots and play grounds? Who would have thought that two people of alternate realities in life would meet earlier knowing that they used to live near each other and used to watch concerts in the same areas? One had a big life ahead of him, having lived through the highs and the lows of life and has experienced the easiest to the most difficult situations any man has been through with and without his family. As for the other, she lived a simple life. Nerdy, strong-willed, conservative yet creative, she sticks to a scheduled, closely guarded life with her family. Alternate realities but only one common attitude; their love for rock music; this is what brought them together. If it wasn't because of technology, both people would not have met each other. They came from the same place, grew up in many houses but hang out in the same areas. At that time, there were so many instances they could have met but time itself, circumstance and fate probably didn't let it happen. And when it did happen, they already live far apart. So far apart they have to ride a train, a bus and a jeepney just to meet at a mall in between their places. Funny they had to travel just to meet a mate when they used to be so close together in their younger years. Now, they are constantly fighting the struggle of a long-distance relationship where other difficult situations arise especially coming from the fact that they live in alternate realities. Just the same, they both thank God for having them met and learned a lot from each other and both hoping that better days for them would come and never end....
